When You Were Mine
by drugstorecowgirl08
Summary: This is the story of what happened before and after "Stay". It's been two years since she let Jordan Catalano go. Can Angela come to terms with how much her life has changed, and will she be able to find happiness? Part III is now up.
1. Part I

**I have been toying with the idea of a follow-up/companion story to "Stay" for a while, and I have worked on this story for the past 3 months trying to get it just right. This story is going to be darker than some of the other fanfics on here but I think the tone suits the circumstances. A big thank you to Pansyass for encouraging me to write this and post it before I lose my nerve. I don't own MSCL or any of the characters. **

When You Were Mine

Part I

"You sound awful, honey," her mother said, concern evident in her voice. "Why don't you come home for a few days? It would be just the two of us. You know Danielle went back this semester. She's doing better."

Angela sighed. She would love to come home for a few days and just be taken care of, and she also felt guilty now that her mother was all alone and her sister had her own problems. Yet, she didn't know if she could leave her caseload right now. It seemed like a full moon was coming or something, the way she had been putting out fires all week. Two of her clients were back in the detention centre for drug possession, she had to find housing for three others who had just run away and another one had just found out she was pregnant and didn't know who the father was.

As if reading her mind, Patti said, "If you don't make time for yourself now, you never will. The work is never going to stop, those people are never going to stop needing you, but you also need to take care of yourself, honey."

"I'll see what I can do," she said finally, but she knew that her mother was right. She was only twenty-four years old. She couldn't afford to burn out already – she was barely out of her Master's degree, she had student loans to pay back and there were so many people who needed her. There didn't seem to be enough hours in the day for all of the things she wanted to do, all of the people she wanted to save. She realized that she was somewhat idealistic and always had been, but there was an unstoppable drive inside of her, like an empty space she had to fill… Especially since the love of her life was long gone.

* * *

><p>"So I think I'm going to apply out-of-state," she said, testing the waters. It was barely September of her senior year but college applications were all her parents, Brian and Sharon could talk about.<p>

"Oh yeah?" he said noncommittally.

"What do you think about that?" she asked, hoping he would answer honestly.

"Whatever you want, I guess."

"You guess? What do you mean by that?" she snapped, starting to feel annoyed. Why wouldn't he give her a straight answer?

"Look, Ange, I'm not going to stop you from doing whatever you want to do. If you want to go somewhere else for school, then I think you should do what makes you happy." She couldn't tell what he was thinking and worse yet, she had no idea what he was feeling.

'What about us?' she wanted to ask, but he was turning away from her and digging through his pockets for a cigarette.

"I'd like to get out of here myself," he said, cigarette between his lips, flicking the lighter.

"Well you're graduating this semester," Angela said, hoping he could take a hint. He had managed to do pretty well in summer school last year, which meant he was graduating a semester earlier than her. In typical frustrating Jordan Catalano fashion, he had remained elusive about what he planned to do after graduation, although she wasn't naïve enough to think he would stick around Three Rivers.

"I've always wanted to go to California or maybe New York. I don't know. I just want to get out of here." He had a sort of faraway look in his eyes that she normally would have found endearing, if he weren't talking about leaving her. It was like the last almost-two years between them had never happened – just when she thought she understood him and that he really loved her, he was talking about packing all his stuff into his car and driving away.

"So what am I supposed to do – apply to schools in California? And New York?" She started to feel as if she might cry. California was more or less out of the question if she wanted to stay close to her family, Rayanne and Rickie.

"Don't base your choice of school on me, Ange," he said in a serious tone, turning back to look at her. "You can go wherever you want, and I don't even have a plan."

"Well that's what I'm trying to help you with right now," she said, not trying to hide the frustration in her voice.

"You've helped me enough, babe," he said. "I mean, I'm even graduating and everything now, because of you." He came over to her and put both his hands on either side of her face. "And now we just have to sort of trust and see what happens next."

She relented, but it wasn't the answer she wanted. He didn't say anything about them staying together after graduation or whether he saw her in his future, so although it hurt, she decided to follow her own plans and apply to schools in Pennsylvania and New York. Part of her was ready to leave Three Rivers, but she didn't want to be too far away from her mom and Danielle. Danielle was only twelve years old, but she was starting to worry Angela – she had taken the divorce badly and had started acting out in little ways, like shoplifting and kissing different boys behind the school. Hopefully, it was just pre-teenage angst, so Angela fought back the feelings of guilt whenever she thought about leaving.

* * *

><p>It was Friday afternoon, and the winter sunlight streamed in through the window. Jordan's body was warm against hers, and he was looking into her face, running his fingers through her hair. Neither of them spoke, but there was a calm, contented energy between them.<p>

"Do you love me?" she asked suddenly, regretting the words before they even finished coming out of her mouth. She wasn't sure what came over her, but there was something about the moment, the way he was looking at her, tangled up in his sheets, that gave her the strength to say what she knew he was feeling. An expression that she could only describe as fear inadvertently crossed his face, and he looked away.

"Why can't you just say it?" her voice rose expectantly, and she knew that she'd lost him.

"What?" he asked flatly, pulling away, his flirtatious, free-spirited mood from the afternoon suddenly gone. When he suggested they steal away together this afternoon, she didn't anticipate that it would end up like this, although his future plans were weighing heavily on her mind. It was December, and his last day of class was that week. Permanently. He hinted that he wouldn't be around to attend his graduation ceremony in January. She knew what that meant, but she'd tried to ignore the days leading up to their seemingly inevitable separation, focused on her own university applications. They were lying in his bed, something that rarely happened these days because they were both so busy. Moments before, he had been gentle and loving, but it seemed that lately, whenever she asked more of him, he closed himself off. She remembered all the times they had lain together like this before – why had she never wanted this all those other times? She knew better than to try and cling onto him, but today, something was different. She thought of the letter that was sitting in her backpack and it gave her the little bit of courage she needed.

"I know you love me," she said, looking straight into his eyes. "So why can't you say it?"

"Angela…" his voice trailed off and he closed his eyes as if they hurt. "You know I've never been good at this… Don't do this right now."

"When would be a better time for you then?" she asked sarcastically, refusing to let it go this time. There was too much at stake now.

"Not today," he said, eyes still closed.

"Well what if it's a good time for me today?" she countered. "Things can't always be on your schedule, you know."

"What is with you lately?"

"I might ask you the same thing. If I so much as say the words 'the future', you shut down. All I want is to know whether you feel the same way about me." She sat up so that she was looking down at him.

She waited.

"I don't need this," he said, sitting up abruptly, visibly agitated. "Why can't you just… stop." He threw on his boxers and a sweatshirt and looked around for a cigarette. When he didn't find one, he cursed and headed out of the bedroom.

"Goddamnit, Jordan Catalano, why are you like this?" she had dressed hastily and found him outside on the porch.

"Like what?" he said impatiently.

"Like unable to talk about the things that matter!" She could feel the frustration rising into her face and she willed herself not to tear up.

"What are you talking about?" he was starting to lose his temper, she could tell. "All the things I've told you about me, about my brother, about my parents, do you think those didn't matter?"

"Then why can't you tell me the truth now? That you love me, but you don't want me to come with you, wherever you're going?"

"It's not like that," he said, clearly taken aback.

"Then why did you never ask me to come with you?" she asked softly, her voice breaking. "I know you're leaving."

"What, and drop out of school? With one semester left? I'm not going to ask you to do something stupid like that." She noticed that he didn't even bother to deny that he was leaving anymore. She knew it.

"So you are leaving." It was a statement, not a question.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked, leaning back against a post on the porch.

"You're graduating in a few days and you haven't told me what you're doing yet. You haven't said anything about us, or whether there's going to be an us, or anything. Don't I have a right to know?"

"Angela, I—" he hesitated.

"What is it?"

"I'm going to California. My mom apparently has family out there, and they want to meet me." He looked down at the ground.

"That's great," she said, and meant it. "Why couldn't you just tell me that?"

He shrugged. "I didn't want to upset you. You've been all stressed out with your applications and stuff."

"But then what? Are you planning to stay out there?" She could feel her heart sinking as she realized what he'd meant by upsetting her.

"That's the part I haven't quite figured out yet," he said, seemingly engrossed in an imaginary pebble on the porch floor.

"What about us? Don't you love me?" she asked again softly, so softly she didn't think he heard. Part of her hoped he didn't hear. She waited, although she didn't know what for. "Two years and I've never asked you for anything, and now you won't even tell me that you love me," she finally said angrily, bitterly.

At last, he looked up at her, met her eyes. She thought that for the first time ever, she could see tears in Jordan Catalano's eyes, but she would never be sure.

"I can't…" he said, the pain and frustration evident in his bright blue eyes.

In that moment, everything changed. Angela knew she would be leaving Three Rivers for New York City, and that she would tick "accept" in that little box on the letter that she was keeping in her bag. She realized then it had been foolish to hope that he would wait for her.

"You're wrong, Jordan. One day you'll see that. You'll realize that you loved me, and I loved you back, and being afraid should have never gotten in the way of what we had." She turned away, knowing that the impact of her words was lost because of the way her voice shook with emotion.

She walked away and didn't look back, not even when he called her name and told her to stop, that it was cold out, that he hadn't meant it like that. When she turned the corner, she started to run, trying to ignore the cold air burning in her lungs and the hot, bitter tears that turned cold as soon as they hit her face.

* * *

><p>"Just tell him I'm not home," Angela said miserably to her mother, slumped between Rickie and Rayanne on the couch. They had come over that afternoon, as Angela had sunk into something of a depression and didn't feel like getting out of bed. Ever again. She had spent much of the holidays feeling down, especially since nothing was the same anymore, with her family split up and Jordan out of the picture. Her mom couldn't say anything, as she was still dealing with her own loss and its after-effects.<p>

"Cheer up Angelika, we're going to New York!" Rayanne said excitedly, putting her arm around her. "You'll be at Columbia, and I'll be… living with Rickie in a tiny little shoebox…"

"Are you really never going to talk to him again?" Rickie asked.

"I don't know," Angela covered her eyes. "He keeps calling and calling, which is weird for him."

"He feels bad," Rickie offered.

"So what?" Angela said sulkily. "It doesn't change the fact that he's a jerk."

"Tino said he's been moping around," Rayanne said unexpectedly. "He knows he screwed up, he's just too much of a coward to tell you how he feels. Are you sure you don't want me to talk to him or get a hit squad on him or something?" she cocked an eyebrow mischievously.

"I don't think that's necessary," Angela rolled her eyes, gave her a hint of a smile. "The worst part is that I know he's totally afraid. And I get it. But I gave him plenty of chances. It's too late now… I need to move on." She didn't say the last part with any conviction, however.

"How could he just plan to leave like that without even telling me properly?" she asked after a moment.

"That's what men do when they're afraid – they bail," Rayanne said matter-of-factly.

"God, it's not like I was asking him to marry me or anything! A simple 'I love you' would have been good enough! Part of me is so angry. I hate being angry."

"Oh Angelika, look at you, you're so passionate when you're upset," Rayanne said sadly but fondly. "He regrets it already, I'm sure."

"I miss him," Angela sighed. "Why did he have to go and ruin everything?"

"They're called self-destructive urges, honey," Rayanne smiled ironically, and she and Rickie put their arms around their friend again. "Never mind, we're out of here in a few months, and you'll put this behind you."

Angela wondered if Rayanne could be right.

* * *

><p>She heard a knock at her window that night, and she knew it was him. She walked over and opened the window. He had climbed the tree outside and was perched on the window ledge. It wasn't the first time he had done this, but it had been a long time. When Patti and Graham split, they stopped sneaking around so much because nobody really cared anymore.<p>

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"You wouldn't answer my calls, so…"

"So you climb the tree at the side of my house and come through the window instead?" she couldn't help but laugh a little, despite herself.

"Can I come in? It's freezing out there."

Wordlessly, she stepped aside to let him in. He stepped onto the windowseat and sat down, rubbing his hands together. His blue eyes were bright in his face, and she watched him, wishing that she could kiss each one of his fingers.

"So what brings you by?" she asked coolly, maintaining a safe distance by walking away from him to sit on her bed.

"You wouldn't take any of my calls. It was driving me crazy." He ran a hand through his hair.

"Can you blame me?" she asked.

He looked at her, then quickly looked away. "I guess not… I was pretty harsh. Look, Angela, I didn't want to leave with things like that between us."

"You're leaving already?" she asked, hoping the panic didn't show in her voice.

He nodded. "I'm going to hit the road tomorrow morning, spend New Year's with my aunt and uncle, who supposedly met me when I was like a month old. They have a son who's around my age. My cousin. It's going to be weird to have a family."

"That must be exciting," she said, trying to muster up a bit of enthusiasm, although she wasn't sure why. "How did you find them?"

"My dad found some numbers and passed them onto me before I left," he said, somewhat evasively. "I didn't know what to do at first, so I waited and waited. Then I didn't know what I was waiting for, so I said 'Screw it' and called them."

Angela nodded. "That's good. I'm happy for you, I guess."

He got up from the windowseat and made his way over to her, stopping in front of the bed. He touched her cheek. Subconsciously, she found herself softening to his touch.

"I had to see you before I left," he said softly, sitting next to her. "To make sure you didn't hate me."

"How could I ever hate you? You know how I feel," she said sadly, running her fingers through his hair, over his face.

"I wish… I could be more like you," he said, taking both of her hands in his.

Before she knew it, his lips were against hers, and she moaned softly at the heat and desire that still existed between them.

"I missed you," he whispered in her ear between kisses.

"I didn't go anywhere," she whispered back.

She just wanted him to hold her with his skin against hers. She wanted it so badly that she pulled his jacket off, tugged at his shirt. He got the message and pulled her nightgown over her head.

"That wasn't fair," she complained, referring to the lack of clothing he had to remove from her. She climbed under the covers, signaling him to join her. He didn't need any further prompting, shedding the rest of his clothes and joining her under the covers.

"You feel so good," he said, holding her and covering her face, neck and chest with kisses.

"Don't let me go," Angela pleaded, knowing she was talking about more than the present, but realizing she was asking for too much. She knew that she had to savour this moment, because it might be their last. She pushed the thought out of her mind as he started to leave a trail of kisses down her body and she felt herself open up, give into her desire.

She opened her eyes and saw that it was still dark out. Jordan was still there in her bed, his arm around her waist, his face against her shoulder. She reached down and ruffled his hair, her heart breaking a little with the knowledge that she would have to wake him, and he would leave after that. Indefinitely. And then it would be her turn to leave.

He stirred and opened his eyes.

"Hey babe," he said, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, waking up with her.

"Hi," she said, and a wave of sadness washed over her. "You should probably go, huh?"

He closed his eyes briefly. "Yeah, I guess so. What time is it?"

"It's just after two," she glanced at the alarm clock.

He got out of the bed and started to put on his clothes. She sat up in the bed and watched him.

"I want to remember you just like this," he said, miming a camera with his hands and pretending to take her picture.

"Maybe you should be a photographer," she joked, trying to keep the mood light. She switched the lamp on and found her nightgown, putting it back on. "Do you have maps and stuff so you won't get lost?"

"I was probably gonna pick up some maps on the way," he said. "I was planning to jump into my car and start driving."

"Jordan…" she hesitated, unsure of what she wanted to say, "don't worry about me."

"What do you mean?" he asked, looking at her with a serious look in his eyes.

"Don't worry about hurting me. I know you're… sorry, and I know this isn't personal, but I don't want you to think that you like, owe me something." It just about killed her to say those words, but she didn't want him to feel guilty anymore. "I just want you to be safe, and… don't forget me." She felt the lump form in her throat as she said those words.

He put his arms around her and held her tightly. "I'll never forget you, Angela Chase, and I… I… "

She tilted her face to his and he kissed her one more time.

"I know," she said, the pain in her heart lessening, just the tiniest bit. "It's okay."

**Part II to follow...  
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	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you everyone for the reviews, they really mean a lot to me! I hope you enjoy this next installment. The timeline is less linear than the first part. Like I said, it's about to get a whole lot darker! My "soundtrack" consisted of a lot of Fiona Apple (like Shadowboxer and Love Ridden), which seemed to set the mood. I don't own MSCL or any of the characters. **

Part II

Angela thanked the cab driver as he placed her bag on the sidewalk. She took a deep breath and grabbed the handle of her suitcase, turning to face her mother's townhouse. It would never feel like home, but the house had become too much to manage for Patti by herself, especially when Angela left.

"Sweetie!" her mother answered the door as soon as she knocked, as though she had been waiting. "I'm so happy you could make it!" The two women embraced, then Patti held her at arm's length so she could look at her. Angela did the same. Her mother was still beautiful, but the strain of the last few years was showing on her face more than it had the last time. She wondered if her own hardships were starting to be mirrored on her own face.

"I made us something simple for dinner – I hope you don't mind. Your room's ready upstairs. Then I thought we could just have coffee and catch up." Her mother ushered her inside, ever the gracious hostess. The townhouse was spotless and tastefully decorated – more so than the house had been. Danielle had one of the rooms, although little remained from the days when she lived there, and Angela's "room" was like a hotel, sterile and uninhabited. Her mother had lived here since Angela's freshman year in college, so that when she came home for Christmas, it really wasn't like coming home at all. The summer before she left for Columbia had been spent packing – not only was she packing for her future life, she was packing up her past. The house went up for sale when she left in August and by Thanksgiving, Patti and Danielle had moved into the new place. Six years later, Angela still wasn't used to it. How could things change so much after they had spent so long being the same?

"So what's new?" her mother asked over fruit salad, her voice sounding almost forcefully cheerful.

"Nothing much," she said. "Work is still work, and I don't think I could ever get tired of the city..."

"Have you seen Rayanne?"

"Not in a long time," Angela sighed. "I feel bad, but it's hard to find the time…"

"It's not your fault," Patti said quickly. "Her mother left a couple of years ago. She never said where she was going, but the poor woman was just destroyed by what happened."

"I can imagine," Angela mused. "She was always so adamant that she was a good mother."

"Well, she was, in the best way she knew how."

Angela thought briefly of all the abandoned, neglected, abused children she came across daily, the pregnant teenagers who might as well have been children, the wounded adults who drank or did drugs in an effort to run away from their problems.

"I think intentions are important," Patti continued, "but I don't think ignorance is an excuse. Although, when I think about how young and naïve I was when I had you, it sort of scares me. And of course, I will never forgive myself for what happened to Danielle." She rubbed her forehead.

"It's not your fault," Angela said gently. "These things happen sometimes, and I guess Danielle was just… vulnerable."

"The divorce couldn't have come at a worse time for her," Patti reflected, lost in her own thoughts. "I knew that you would be okay, but then again, you had Jordan to look after you. She didn't have anyone. I wasn't around…"

At the mention of Jordan's name, she felt tears threaten to rise in her eyes. Two years had passed since he'd vanished, and she still thought of him every day, with a mixture of guilt and longing. She would never forget the look on his face when he left that morning, as though a part of him had died. Perhaps it had.

"Are you okay, honey?" her mother was asking.

"Yeah, I think so," she said quickly, blinking back the tears and bringing herself back to the moment.

"I guess you haven't heard from him, have you?" she seemed to read her daughter's thoughts. "How long has it been anyway?"

"Who? Jordan?" she asked casually, although she was afraid her face was betraying her feelings.

"Of course I'm talking about Jordan," Patti said. "There was something special between the two of you, even though you were so young. But I guess you both had to grow up, move on." Her expression was wistful, as if she were no longer talking about them.

"It didn't really end well with us," Angela said. "It never has." She thought back to their good-bye at the end of high school, then their most recent separation. She still wanted to cry every time she thought about his face as he left her that morning. Maybe he really had changed, but she would never know. She had been too afraid to give him a chance.

"I know what you mean… When you love someone and they've become part of you, you can never really let that go, can you?" Her mother looked off into space for a moment.

"I have to try… I'm getting out there, meeting other people and stuff, sort of… How are you doing with that, Mom?" Angela asked tentatively.

"It's been over six years now," Patti replied. "It's easier now than it was, I guess, especially now that Danielle seems to be doing better." She evaded the question, Angela noticed.

"Poor Danielle," Angela said.

They both allowed their thoughts to drift to her. True to the stereotype of the little girl abandoned by her daddy, she started to cling to any guy who gave her attention, and it all culminated when she moved in with her twenty-four-year-old boyfriend at age sixteen. Angela shuddered as she recalled those times – Patti had been furious, terrified and ashamed. She threatened to "throw the book" at the guy for statutory rape, for sexual assault of a minor and anything else she could think of, while Danielle sought out ways to become an emancipated minor. She was sixteen after all, which was the age of consent in Pennsylvania, so she knew that her mother couldn't follow through with the threats.

It was an awful time, and her family, already broken, had never been the same because of it.

* * *

><p>"Angela! Let me up!" her seventeen-year-old sister's voice boomed through the intercom.<p>

"Danielle, is that you? Oh my god, come upstairs," she quickly pressed the button to open the front door of the apartment building, as though she were worried her sister might suddenly change her mind, turn around and leave New York for Three Rivers and her perpetually pot-smoking, way-too-old boyfriend.

"Danielle!" she threw her arms around her sister, alarmed at how pale and gaunt she looked, yet at the same time incredibly thankful to see her. Her sister had alienated herself from the family because of all the drama, and partly because her boyfriend insisted on it, Angela suspected.

"I'm fine," she was saying. "Well, I'm messed-up, but I'm fine, you know? I just couldn't take it anymore, all his bullshit, all his lies."

"Are you two over?" Angela asked.

"I left him!" her sister gave a hollow laugh. "I walked out of the apartment and went to the train station and caught a train straight here."

"What happened?" Angela asked, afraid to hear the answer.

Danielle laughed wryly. "It's pretty ironic to me that my sister is a social worker and I'm basically like a train wreck."

"Rayanne Graf was my best friend," Angela reminded her, feeling a twinge of… remorse, or was it regret?

"Oh my god, I heard about that…" Danielle lowered her voice dramatically. "What the hell happened?"

"Right now is not the time," Angela said firmly. "We need to talk about you and what you're going to do next."

"Ugh, I can't go home. I've lived on my own for like a year now. Mom still treats me like a baby. Can't I stay here with you?"

"For a few days, sure, but then you have to go back. You need to graduate from high school, give yourself that chance."

"Ugh, school," she made a face. "Can't I just get my GED?"

"Danielle, you've had way too many opportunities to throw your education away. You're really lucky, you'll see that eventually," Angela thought about all the underprivileged clients she had, many of whom had just been born under unlucky circumstances. They made her own problems seem trivial, admittedly. "You can do anything you want. You're smart, you're beautiful, and it sounds like a cliché, but you have your whole life ahead of you." She smoothed her sister's hair with her hand, feeling much older than her in that moment.

"You're turning into Mom or something," Danielle scoffed, but her demeanour had softened. Her entire life had been spent trying to get the attention of others, Angela knew, and eventually it had become dysfunctional, this attention-seeking - sort of like Rayanne Graf. But Angela wanted to save her sister from Rayanne's fate.

A few days later, Danielle gave in and went home. Patti was overjoyed, to the point where she almost wanted to forget about the whole thing if it meant her youngest daughter would stay. But of course, she believed she was damaged and couldn't be fixed, and soon Danielle was involved in a string of bad relationships, each worse than the last. During those dark times, she drank too much, hoarded sleeping pills and was finally admitted to the hospital for depression and suicidal ideation, when Patti found the pills and her youngest daughter sobbing as if her heart would break and threatening to take them all.

* * *

><p>"Is she really okay?" Angela asked, her voice not daring to go above a whisper, bringing them back to the moment.<p>

Patti wiped her eyes quickly. "I don't know. She says she is, but I worry about her. Sometimes I wonder if letting her go to Chicago was a good idea."

Graham was in Chicago now, still in the restaurant business, and it was where Danielle had wanted to go to school. Patti only let it happen because her father was in the same city and could theoretically rush in and save her, although privately, she had her doubts.

"What else could you do, though?" Angela said. "She has a psychiatrist in Chicago that she sees, right?"

"She does see Dr. Kline regularly, and it seems to have helped, but she's always been so smart and so… good at fooling everybody. She was such a sweet, carefree child. What happened?" Patti sighed.

"Let's talk about something a little less depressing," Angela suggested, since things had gotten way too heavy since she'd arrived. "There must be something good that's happened in the last little while."

That was how she learned about Sharon's engagement. Angela and Sharon had remained friends, although life had kept them from staying in touch as often as before, especially since Sharon had moved back to Three Rivers after college. She was an only child, after all, and couldn't stay far from her parents for long.

"Her engagement party is tomorrow, which I'll admit is partly why I pushed so hard for you to come home this weekend," Patti said with a twinkle in her eye.

Angela's stomach dropped.

"Do you know who Sharon's fiancé is?" she asked, feeling as if the air had suddenly rushed out of the room.

"Angela, she's your oldest friend," Patti said in her 'I'm-your-mother' tone.

"But Shane is – Jordan's best friend," she managed to choke out. "I can't believe this is happening."

"How do you even know he'll be there?" her mother challenged her gently. "You said yourself that he seems to have disappeared."

"I just can't believe this," Angela repeated, more to herself than to her mother. "Why didn't Sharon warn me about this?"

"Angela, I'm sorry about the way things ended with you and Jordan, but Sharon would be crushed if you didn't come."

"I need to think about this… Things went terribly the last time we saw each other... You're right though, he probably won't even show up."

"Are you worried that you'll upset him if you're there?" her mother asked.

"No, that's not it…" she paused and took a breath. "I just don't want to see him and be reminded that I've blown it. I had my chance to be with him and now it's too late."

Suddenly she felt exhausted and on the verge of tears again. It was the first time she'd admitted her feelings out loud.

Sensing her emotions, Patti got up from the table and put her arms around her daughter.

"Things will be okay, sweetie, I'm sure of it."

"I don't think so… I've lost him," Angela said sadly.

Her mother shook her head, but she didn't seem to know what else to say.

* * *

><p>There was a knock at the door. It was Boxing Day of Angela's freshman year of university, and she was spending the holidays at her mom's new place. Danielle was definitely a teenager now, and she was moping around the house, angry because her latest crush wasn't coming over.<p>

"Who could that be? I'm not expecting anyone," Patti said, mildly surprised. She crossed the living room to answer the front door, beating Danielle. It was probably Camille or Sharon, coming to say hello to Angela, or even Danielle's latest friend.

"Angela!" her mother called. There was something in her tone that made Angela come to the door quickly.

When she saw who was standing in the front hallway, her heart stopped.

"Jordan…" she breathed, her knees threatening to give way.

He looked older, more self-assured, and he had a tan that made the blue of his eyes pop even more than she thought possible.

"Hey, Angela," he said, smiling at her reaction. "You're a blonde now… sort of."

"How did you find me?" she asked, still too surprised to trust her voice.

Patti and Jordan exchanged smiles, and Angela realized that her mother had somehow stayed in touch with Jordan, or she at least knew something about him being back in town.

"He found me at the printing company," Patti explained. "That hasn't gone anywhere."

"But… how did you know? The company is called Wood and Jones, there's no mention of my last name anywhere," Angela sputtered.

"Give me a little bit of credit," Jordan still seemed somewhat amused by her reaction. "I used the yellow pages and looked under 'Printers'."

"Really?" Angela was aware of how moronic she probably sounded. She had never hidden her shock well and she had also always been a terrible liar.

"What's the matter, aren't you glad to see me?" he asked, a hint of the former shyness in his voice.

"Of course… this is just like, too surreal…" she crossed the foyer, amazed that her legs were still able to carry her, and she let him take her into his arms. The energy between them was electric, and she had to hold back a little gasp when she felt his body against hers. In that moment, she breathed in his old familiar smell and all of the memories of their two years together came flooding back. She almost hoped that he wouldn't let her go, but too soon, the moment was over and they were left looking at one another, a year stretched out between them.

"You look great," he said, his hand reaching up as if to touch her face, then letting it drop. "I like your hair."

"Thanks," she said, feeling her face flush at the compliment. Crimson Glow seemed too dated after high school and too reminiscent of the past, so she'd made a fresh start and dyed it right after he left. She supposed that he was really the impetus for the change, as though she were saying good-bye to a part of herself. It wasn't a mousy dark blonde like her natural colour but more of a strawberry blonde. "How was California?"

"Really good," he said. "Like really great, actually. I met my family, learned some stuff about myself, you know…"

"Yeah," she said, unsure if she were agreeing with him. "I'm glad…" She wanted to say more but couldn't find the words. "So when did you get back?" she asked instead, trying to sound casual.

"I spent Christmas with Shane. I dropped in to see the old man, but you know how that is…" he trailed off and looked down at the floor. "He has a new girlfriend, and he barely realized I was there." He let out a hollow laugh. "Whatever. Some things don't change."

"I guess not," Angela agreed, for real this time. "So how long are you in town?"

"Um Angela, can we go somewhere and like, talk?"

"Right now?" she asked, a little surprised.

He nodded and reached out his hand. "I promise I'll have you back for dinner."

"Sure." She took his hand and a little shiver ran down her spine. She couldn't believe an entire year had passed, the way her heart was racing just then.

"There are so many things… I feel like I need to explain," he began, his blue eyes bright in his tanned face as they were seated in a booth at a quiet restaurant downtown. "I've had over a year to think."

"Jordan…" she trailed off, not sure where to start. She too, had had over a year to think, to analyze. The wound was no longer fresh, but it was far from healed.

"Look, the way I handled things… was stupid," he said.

She looked at him, silently urging him to go on.

"The way things were going… it freaked me out. It had nothing to do with you. It's just – things have always turned to shit, you know?"

"How so?" she asked, wanting to hear it for herself.

"I guess that I got hurt so many times in my life that I couldn't trust it when something good actually happened. I'm not trying to like, make excuses, but I didn't have any guidance or anyone who even cared about me... until you." His hands were resting palms-down on the tabletop, directly across from hers.

"I hoped that was enough," she said softly. "It was wrong of me though, because one person should never be somebody's everything."

"It just freaked me out, that you cared, that I was good enough, that you saw me in this way that was like, better than who I was, or something. I guess that part of me was trying to show you that I was going to disappoint you, that I was really just a loser like everyone always said I was."

"The unconscious wish," Angela recalled, "to punish me."

"Yeah, how fucked up is that? I wanted to punish you even though you were the only one who cared. I'm sorry." He met her eyes and in that moment, he took her hand again. She almost jumped as their skin touched. "Do you think you can forgive me?"

"I'm trying," she admitted. "It hasn't been easy though. All of the Cynthia Hargroves of the world were happy when they heard you'd ditched me." She gave him an ironic little smile. It shouldn't have bothered her, but of course it did, since she didn't know what had really happened any more than they had.

"Bitches," Jordan muttered. "I'm sorry about that too. It must've looked that way."

"You know what? It did. I know you had to like, find yourself and all that stuff, but I got hurt. I didn't know if you left when you did because you couldn't stand me. I cried for months."

She cringed as she made this last admission, especially as she realized just how close she felt to tears at this moment again. She was suddenly angry, remembering how flippant he had been, his refusal to say he loved her, the way he missed her high school graduation and never bothered to stay in touch. She took a ragged breath as she realized that the better part of the year had been absolutely awful. Only escaping to New York with Rickie and Rayanne had made things somewhat bearable. And now here he was, just a year later, trying to waltz back into her life and make amends?

"I'm sorry," she said, "but I can't do this right now." She got up abruptly and made her way out of the restaurant, uncomfortably close to tears. She didn't want him to see her cry, not after all this time.

He caught up with her in the parking lot.

"Angela, you can't keep running away from me," he said, the frustration evident in his voice.

"I wouldn't talk," she said between gritted teeth.

"Yeah, you're right. I was chickenshit. You asked me if I loved you and I couldn't answer and I skipped town instead. I'm sorry!" He put his hands on her shoulders. "I don't know how to make you believe me."

"What do you want from me?" she cried, tearing herself away from his grasp. "I spent a year trying to get over you, and now you come back into my life apologizing like it's no big deal? How dare you!" She hadn't meant to become so hysterical, but here it was – a year's worth of anger, disappointment and mourning all coming out at once.

"Angela, get into the car with me, please?" she heard him pleading. "You can yell at me all you want in there, I promise." A year ago, he would have thrown a fit along with her and stormed away, she knew. A part of her was so surprised that she gave in, let him lead her into the car, the same car he had driven away from her in.

"Well?" he looked at her.

"Why did you leave me like that?" she demanded, crossing her arms.

"I freaked out," he said, gripping the steering wheel and staring straight ahead. "That's the truth. I was starting to become like, totally dependent on you for my happiness. My life was empty here, you were the only reason I even stayed for that long."

Angela sat there silently, her doubt and pain palpable between them.

"So I made a choice. I decided to leave you and figure out some things about myself. I met some of my family, and got over some of the bad feelings towards my mom ditching me, and I thought about us." He turned back towards her, but she wasn't ready to meet his eyes.

"And?" she asked.

"I realized I'd done it all wrong. I should have talked to you about it, about these restless feelings… about not knowing what I wanted. I still would have gone to California probably, but I wouldn't have been running away from you… and my feelings." He turned back towards her. "Angela, will you look at me please?"

Reluctantly, she met his eyes. "Why did you come back?"

"To see you," he gently cupped her cheek in his hand. She didn't pull away this time.

"What were you hoping to accomplish here?" she asked, without a trace of sarcasm. She really wanted to know.

"I want you in my life. I'm sorry I had to leave for a year to figure that out."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" he traced her lips with his thumb. "I love you."

* * *

><p>If only things could have stayed so simple. It was almost laughable how she'd thought that hearing him say "I love you" finally could ever make life easier. Maybe when they were in high school and their lives had not yet begun, such a fantasy might have been plausible, but now, everything had changed. They had lives to build, goals to fulfill. Angela was in New York, and Jordan was… everywhere. Apparently he'd taken her lighthearted comment about becoming a photographer seriously, and not the portrait studio type either. Tired of working as a mechanic, he had aspirations of working for National Geographic or being the next Annie Leibovitz or something, but he knew it wouldn't be easy. It meant being on the road a lot, chasing the next assignment, early mornings to capture the proper light.<p>

Sometimes after weeks away, he would come back and she would find phone numbers scribbled on the backs of business cards, inside old cigarette packs, and she suspected they had nothing to do with work. She threw herself into school, withdrawing from him, and he got frustrated that she didn't trust him. It seemed that they got nowhere, because in the background, there was always the promise – or the threat – that he would leave again.

Every time they said good-bye, it felt like he was leaving her for good. So finally she let him go. Even as Angela sent Jordan out of her life, she knew that she would regret it. Foolishly, a part of her imagined that it was somehow… honourable, perhaps, if she sacrificed her own happiness, considering that she had been so blessed compared to everyone around her. She wasn't sure what that meant or why she felt that way. Could she ever truly be happy again? Were they ever really happy? Back then, life had been so simple, it was impossible to imagine what she had been like anymore. All she knew was that nobody had ever made her feel that way, although there were other people, including one person she might have even loved, besides him. She didn't know if maybe she just couldn't feel that way about anyone else ever again – she was a totally different person now, it was as if a lifetime of pain had happened since then. It was possible that she idealized him now, because he reminded her of a simpler time, when she should have realized how lucky she was.

Angela didn't know the answers to these philosophical questions. She only knew that she had never stopped loving him through all the years, and she still missed him. She never expected to see him again, and that was the part she struggled with the most. She never had the courage to fully allow him back into her life while she had the chance, and now she never would. And yet, secretly, stubbornly, a tiny part of her still held onto that tiny shred of hope, that she would one day have her chance.

**Part III to follow...**


	3. Chapter 3

**OK, deep breath... I have finally worked up the guts to post the last part of this mini-series. I'm sorry it has taken so long even though it has been more or less finished for a while, although this last part was especially difficult and important for me. Hopefully I won't have to change the rating. Thank you again for the reviews. I don't own MSCL. **

Part III

Angela passed her driver's license to the officer behind the bulletproof glass. He checked her name off a list, then waved her through a steel door. Once through the first door, she put her bag and packages on a conveyor belt so they could be X-rayed as she passed through the metal detector, then she was patted down by another officer. When they were satisfied that she wasn't armed or carrying any contraband, she was led into a room with several tables and chairs. A few other people were already occupying some of the tables when she came in. Moments later, a young woman in a red prison jumpsuit was escorted into the room with two guards. When she saw Angela, her face broke into a broad grin.

"Angelika! About time!" she exclaimed excitedly, as though no time had passed. She threw her arms around Angela but was quickly pulled off by the guards. "Easy, easy," she said with a throaty laugh, "I won't touch her again."

"Rayanne," Angela said, smiling broadly at her friend. "I'm sorry it's been so long."

"Yeah yeah, you're busy saving the kids, I get it," she said, as they both moved towards the tables and chairs. "What did you bring me?" she smiled endearingly.

"Cupcakes, candy, toiletries, eyeliner, underwear, socks, coffee," Angela said. "Hope I didn't miss anything."

"Ah, what a wonderful friend," Rayanne sighed with pleasure. "Well, you might as well give it to the guards now, they'll dole it out to me later. But can I have a cupcake now?" she beamed again, this time at the guards. One of them nodded their assent and Angela opened the box and let her friend choose a cupcake. She studied her as Rayanne fussed over the box. Despite the fact that she had been in prison now for almost two years, Rayanne still seemed youthful and carefree, exactly as she had been in high school.

"Mmm, that is almost better than sex," she moaned, taking a bite of the cupcake. "I say almost, because sex is probably what I miss the most." She winked knowingly at Angela, completely unconcerned by the presence of the guards behind them. "Women aren't really my style, although almost anything looks good eventually."

"Rayanne!" Angela wasn't sure why she felt like blushing.

"What?" Rayanne was unfazed. "It gets boring in here." She licked her fingers. "I miss men. That's probably the worst thing about being in here."

"Do you have a better idea of when you'll be up for parole?" Angela asked.

"Few more years yet," Rayanne waved her hand dismissively. "Enough about me, babe, I want to hear about you. How's Rickie? He writes me, but it's been getting more sporadic lately, so I assume it means he's found a new man."

"He's great. He's still in Miami, and yes, he's with Blake. He says it's love. He wants to come see you the next time he's in town."

"Ah Enrique, ever the hopeless romantic. I'm glad he's happy… I understand why people don't want to come see me," Rayanne said. "I mean, federal penitentiary, hardly the most glamourous place for a reunion." Her tone was light, but Angela thought she could detect a hint of sadness in her eyes. She wished that she could put her arms around her friend, she wished that she could have stopped Rayanne from taking that trip up to Canada to smuggle drugs back through the border… It was all so stupid and pointless, and now her life would never be the same. Every time she tried to talk to her about it, her friend seemed a bit flippant, as if she refused to grasp the significance of it all, but it was probably a coping mechanism as well. There was no point in bringing it up every time they saw each other.

"He'll come," Angela said, and meant it.

"What about Cherski and Shane? Did those two get married yet or what?"

"They got engaged a couple of weeks ago, actually," Angela began tentatively. "I went home for their engagement party, under false pretenses of course. Sharon didn't even tell me about it herself, she made my mom do the dirty work."

"Good girl," Rayanne chuckled. "You would've gone no matter what though, admit it."

"I guess," Angela admitted, "but I really didn't want to…"

"Did Shane freak out when he saw you?"

"Did he ever," Angela shook her head at the memory. "As soon as I walked in the door, he was like, 'What the hell is she doing here?' and Sharon made a huge fuss, saying that I was her oldest friend and of course I was invited, you get the picture."

Rayanne was laughing at the image. "What a gong show," she said gleefully. "I wish that I could've been there. Nobody expected those two to hook up in high school, or that it would last."

"I know… He really loves her though. And he's changed a lot because of her. I'll give him that."

"Alright, don't keep me in suspense for any longer… Was Catalano there? Did he throw himself at your feet and beg you to give him another chance?"

"No, that's not what happened at all…"

* * *

><p>"Don't worry about Shane, he just gets overprotective, you know how it is," Sharon whispered, rubbing Angela's arm.<p>

"Wow, I guess I really hurt him, huh?" Angela said quietly, more to herself than to her friend. She turned to her then. "Sharon, you don't need to baby-sit me, tonight is about your engagement, not about my stupid failed relationship."

"You're my oldest friend. Who else would I be hanging out with? I never see you anymore."

"So how does it feel to be engaged?" Angela asked, attempting to focus on her friend's happiness rather than her own feelings at the moment.

"It's so exciting!" Sharon exclaimed, sipping from her champagne. "I know that Shane is not the guy that most people pictured me ending up with, myself included, but he just loves me so much and he's been so supportive. When I went away for college, he made it clear that he wanted to be with me, even when we took that break."

"Are you glad you guys took a break?" Angela asked, remembering her friend's mixed feelings during that time.

"Looking back now, yeah. I was terrified that I was making the biggest mistake of my life, but part of me really needed to see what life was like without him. I mean, besides Kyle, he was pretty much my only boyfriend."

"That's all I wanted with Jordan too, but clearly it backfired," Angela mused. "I ended up realizing that I'd made the worst mistake, and now two years have gone by."

Sharon smiled, as if she had a secret. "You know… he might be coming tonight! I mean, he didn't give Shane a straight answer, but I think he'll show up."

Angela had her suspicions, but hearing this information from Sharon made her stomach flip. "What am I supposed to say? 'I've made the worst mistake of my life and I want you back'?" She took a sip of champagne.

"How about you start with 'Hello'?" Sharon giggled.

The evening wore on, and Angela had a decent time with Sharon's various relatives and friends from college. It was nice to see her mother socializing too. Rayanne's absence weighed heavily on Angela's heart – she could just picture her telling outrageous stories about Sharon and Shane from high school, having too much champagne, flirting with the male cousins and uncles. Part of her missed the way things had been, so many years before, when they were all young and carefree but too immature to realize what they had.

"Honey, why don't you grab our coats while I say goodbye to Camille and Andy," Patti suggested at the end of the evening. Angela was happy to run upstairs for a moment. She was mostly relieved that Jordan had not shown up, but a part of her was disappointed as well. It had been two years since she'd seen him last, and she still cared about how he was doing. She knew that his career was taking off, judging from the photos in the various magazines she occasionally saw with his name credited to them. Although she could appreciate his artistic visions, she never caught any glimpses of the man behind the camera. Was he happy? Had he forgiven her?

She located their coats from the pile on the bed. As she was about to step out of the bedroom, she heard a knock at the front door, followed by excited male voices. She felt shivers go down her spine, and she knew that Jordan had arrived. She hesitated, then made her way out of the room and into the hallway. It seemed silly, but she didn't want him to see her right away – she hoped that she could observe him for a moment before he noticed her.

She crept out to the staircase and peered out at the foyer. She felt stupid, but she couldn't seem to make herself walk out confidently. When her eyes fell on him, she almost couldn't hold back a gasp. The last two years had treated him well – his hair was short and spiky, she could see muscles in his chest and shoulders moving under his clothes, and he had the faint trace of stubble on his jaw. He looked more beautiful than she remembered, if that were even possible.

As if sensing her presence, he looked up at the top of the stairs and his eyes fell on her. Her pulse quickened and she forced her lips into a smile, hoping that she didn't look too awkward. A hint of a smile started to graze his lips. At that exact moment, the door behind him opened and a tall, striking blonde stepped into the house, encircling his wrist possessively with her fingers. He turned to look at the blonde, who was as poised and stunning as a model, and the moment between them was broken.

* * *

><p>"So Catalano showed up with a date?" Rayanne asked, bringing them back to the moment.<p>

"Oh, I don't think she was just a date," Angela said sadly.

"Did you ask?"

"What was I supposed to say? 'Excuse me, but are you and Jordan more than sex buddies?'" she looked back at her friend, whose expression was blank. "Rayanne! No way!"

"Well how did you know then?" Rayanne asked. "Where was your proof?"

"I don't know how to explain it… just the way they looked at each other, the way she wrapped her fingers around his wrist, like he was totally hers or something…"

"Was she wearing an engagement ring?" her friend asked bluntly.

"No," Angela was embarrassed to admit that she'd noticed.

"Well fair game then," Rayanne said, shrugging her shoulders.

"I could never…"

"Look sweets, I have to go," Rayanne motioned at the clock overhead. "Time's up. But thanks for coming to see me. It means the world, you know that." They both got up simultaneously and Rayanne leaned in to kiss Angela's cheek. "I love you, old friend," she said.

"I love you too Rayanne," Angela said, kissing her back.

"And if I know anything, so does Catalano, even after all this time." Rayanne let out another throaty chuckle. She turned, holding her arms out so the guards could lead her out. "Don't be a stranger!"

"I won't," Angela promised. Yet she still felt guilty being able to walk away while her friend was left behind.

* * *

><p>It was raining hard as Angela got off at her subway stop. Her car was in the shop and she had just worked a fourteen-hour day in an attempt to catch up on the work she missed from the long week-end she'd taken to go home. It took almost all her energy just to trudge back to her brownstone and up the stairs into the lobby, and she was soaked by the time she got there. Cursing herself for not being better prepared for the New York weather, she unlocked the front door of the building and paused at the short row of mailboxes in the lobby, debating whether to even bother checking her mail today. She just wanted to go upstairs and take a hot bath. At the last moment, she quickly unlocked the box and grabbed the letters that were inside.<p>

Reflexively, she started looking through the mail as she made her way upstairs. Probably all bills, she thought as she unlocked the door to her apartment and heard the phone ringing. She tossed the mail into a bowl on the hallway table meant just for that purpose and lunged for the phone.

"Hello? Oh hi Dad," she said, adjusting the phone against her ear. Over the years, especially after her father moved to Chicago to open a chain of restaurants and she settled in New York, she had seen him less and less. Part of her felt guilty, but part of her felt that the distance between them was justifiable. She didn't think she could ever forgive him for tearing their family apart – simple as that. For a few years, he continued to make an effort and Angela, predictably, was ambivalent. She kept things civil mostly for Danielle's benefit, but she still felt a hard knot of resentment every time she thought of him.

"Sweetie, I hate to call you like this, but…" his voice sounded flat yet unsteady, as if he had been crying.

"What's wrong? Is it Danielle?" her voice rose and her heart picked up speed.

"It's – yeah - She's in the hospital…"

"Is she okay?" Angela could feel a sickly sensation forming in the pit of her stomach.

"I don't really know what happened, she was out with some friends, and she passed out and had a seizure or something. They couldn't wake her up, so they took her to the Emergency room. She'd probably been drinking, I don't know what else…" he took a shaky breath, stifling a sob.

"Oh my god…" she also took a breath, but it didn't seem to be working. "Had she seemed okay to you the last time you saw her?"

"I guess, but you know her, she's good at hiding everything."

"That's what Mom said too," Angela said hollowly. "Anyway, I'll get on the first flight out there. Which hospital?"

"Northwestern Memorial. I'll call your mom."

"Okay. I'll see you in a few hours."

Grimly, she hung up the phone and quickly started to pack.

* * *

><p>Angela hugged her father at the hospital. She realized then how much she missed him, and the way things had been, so long ago. She wished that she wasn't angry anymore.<p>

"Danielle looks like she has a bit of pneumonia, and she's really sleepy right now. The drug screen only found alcohol and a prescription drug her psychiatrist gave her, so they say she'll be alright once it works its way out of her system," her dad was saying. "I called your mom, and she's on her way out here too."

"Oh thank God Danielle's okay," Angela breathed. "Can I see her now?"

"I think they'll let us see her quickly, but just to warn you, she's really out of it. The doctors said it could take a few days before she's herself again."

They took the elevator up to Danielle's room, making small talk on the way up. It struck Angela that her father was lonely and probably worked so much to fill that space. He'd left Three Rivers because there was nothing to keep him there – a failed marriage, another failed relationship, a restaurant that was successful but nevertheless underappreciated. Her uncle Neil had moved out west and she never saw him at all anymore, and they mostly chatted about him.

Angela went into her sister's hospital room and immediately burst into tears. She felt a mixture of relief, of fear, of sadness – so many things at once. Her sister was sleeping, nasal prongs in her nose, IVs running, cardiac monitoring beeping reassuringly.

"Hi little sis," she said, squeezing Danielle's hand. "You gave us quite the scare." She felt her father's hand on her shoulder and she turned around to smile at him. "I'll be right here until you wake up."

Patti arrived a short time later, and Angela watched her parents greet each other with trepidation. She didn't know how long it had been since they had seen each other, but she always admired her mother for trying to make things work until it was obvious they just couldn't anymore. Patti was civil, allowing Graham to kiss her on the cheek, but it was clear that her main concern was her youngest daughter.

They sat together in Danielle's room and watched the dawn break. It was the first time they had all been together like this in almost seven years.

* * *

><p>Danielle slept and slept. Angela and each of her parents took turns in the room when someone needed to eat or stretch their legs, never wanting to miss when she might open her eyes and assure them all that she would be alright. Although the doctors had come by again to check on her and again told the family that Danielle would make a full recovery, there was an unspoken understanding that no one would feel reassured until she opened her eyes. Angela felt too wired on caffeine and worry to sleep.<p>

In the evening of the next day, she was on "coffee duty" and had just come back when she saw someone talking to her mom in the hallway outside Danielle's room. His back was to her, but the way he was leaning against the wall made her recognize him instantly. She didn't know why he was here or how he had found her. She only knew that she had never been so glad to see anyone in all her life.

"Hey," she said, coming up to them as if it were no big deal, as if Jordan Catalano showed up at the hospital in Chicago every day.

"Hey," he said, looking at her with concern. "You need to sleep," he added, as if no time had passed. "I bet you haven't left the hospital this whole time, have you?"

She shook her head, feeling the tears start to well up again. "My sister needs me. She might wake up any minute."

"You need to sleep," he repeated, more firmly this time. "Where are you staying? I'll take you there."

"I don't know… I was supposed to stay at my dad's maybe, but we never really talked about it, since my mom's in town now too, as you can see. Just take me to a hotel somewhere and I can crash for a few hours. I don't feel like going to my dad's."

Patti nodded. "You go ahead. You've been amazing as it is. I'll see you in the morning. Thanks Jordan." Angela protested but her mother was insistent and all but pushed them into the elevator. Angela wondered, for a fleeting moment, whether her mother wanted to be alone with her father, or if she thought that sending them off together would lead to some kind of reconciliation. Both thoughts made her smile, despite the situation.

They stood outside the front doors and hailed a cab.

"What are you doing here, anyway?" Angela asked as they got into a cab. "Not that I'm not glad to see you or anything, just totally surprised especially since the last time I saw you, you were with this gorgeous blonde." She realized that she was nervous. After running into him at Shane and Sharon's engagement party that night, now almost two weeks ago, she had made a hasty exit with Patti, stopping only to exchange the briefest of hellos.

"Sax Chicago, please," Jordan said to the driver. He turned to face her. "Well, hello to you too." He smiled, leaned towards her and kissed her cheek. She felt a spark where his lips touched her skin.

"Sorry, I've just been so stressed out and worried."

"No worries, I get it." He paused. "Did you get my note?"

"What note?" She thought of the stack of mail she'd tossed onto the hallway table.

"Never mind, it's not important now… Shane told me where you were."

Patti must have told Camille Cherski where she was going, who obviously told Sharon, who then told Shane.

"What? Really? I thought Shane hated me."

"He doesn't hate you. He's just had to listen to me whine about you for years." He took her hand gently in his. "I've been thinking about you since I saw you that night."

"Really?" It was the second time he had surprised her already.

"I'm not gonna lie, part of me was tempted to skip the party, but I knew Shane would kill me. And a bigger part of me just… needed to see you, needed to see if there was… anything left… between us." He put his lips against her ear. "I hope it wasn't all one-sided."

"It wasn't," Angela admitted.

When they got to the hotel, she tried to check in to her own room, but he insisted that he had a big suite with a fold-out cot and he would leave her alone so she could sleep. She realized that he'd gotten the suite likely hoping they could spend some time together, and that realization only made her want him more, although it felt almost wrong to want him so badly while her sister was in the hospital and he potentially had a girlfriend.

"I'll sleep over there," he gestured at the cot, which was in its own little alcove off the main bedroom. "You take the bed. You won't even know I'm here."

"Jordan, that is so nice," she said, although she was a tiny bit disappointed that he was being such a gentleman. He definitely had a girlfriend.

"I can't believe you're here," he was saying, looking at her. "It's been so long. You look great."

"I do not! I am so sleep deprived," she said.

"Whatever…" he leaned against the dresser, looked at her again. "Do you want something to drink?"

"I'll have whatever you're having."

"Overpriced hotel room wine it is," he said, flashing her a smile. He opened the bottle and poured them both drinks. They clinked their glasses together awkwardly, although Angela didn't know what they were toasting for. The wine felt smooth as it went down her throat.

"Wow, I really needed that," she said, finally feeling the stresses of the last two days beginning to take their toll. "And I really need a shower… did I just say that out loud? Excuse my manners."

"No problem," he laughed. "Bathroom's right in there. I'll order you a robe from room service."

"Thank you," she said gratefully as she shut the door. It had been two days since she'd slept or showered and the hot water felt unbelievable. For the first time, the realization truly dawned on her: Jordan Catalano had come to Chicago to find her. After two years. And he was sitting in the next room. She realized suddenly that she didn't know what to do. She knew what she wanted to do, but the possibility of rejection scared her so badly that she felt frozen. What if he just wanted to be civil for the sakes of their friends, who were getting married that summer?

She took her time, washing her hair, thinking to herself. The more she thought, the more it was clear: she still loved him. She still wanted him. And she was still afraid of hurting them both. Yet part of her was even more afraid of letting him go again, without letting him know exactly how she felt. It was one thing if he no longer felt the same way about her, but it was quite another if he never heard the truth and she let him walk away again.

Taking a deep breath, she turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around herself. She squeezed the water out of her hair and quickly ran her fingers through it so it didn't look like a total mess. She took another deep breath and swung the door open.

He lay sprawled across the bed, examining a sheet of tiny proofs with a loupe. When he heard her come out of the bathroom, he looked up and smiled.

"Hey," he said softly. "Come here, I want to show you something." He beckoned her over, then moved aside so she could sit beside him on the bed. Conscious of the fact that she was wearing nothing but a towel, she poured herself another glass of wine, which she quickly gulped down. She realized how silly she was acting and willed herself to relax as she settled in beside him on the bed. He handed her the sheet of proofs and the loupe so she could take a look.

"Oh my god, you did Shane and Sharon's engagement photos?" she couldn't help but smile in delight.

"Yeah," he smiled sheepishly. "They both know I don't normally do that kind of thing, but I think they turned out alright."

"They're beautiful," Angela sighed. "Look at how happy Sharon looks here, she's glowing. And they look so in love here… on the swings. Did you take those in the city park?"

He nodded, his eyes searching hers.

"They're so lucky," she mused. Unable to face the intensity of his gaze any longer, she dropped her eyes back down to the photos.

"We were that lucky once… we just didn't know it," he said quietly.

"Really? Do you think so?" she turned to look at him and what she saw there threatened to make her cry.

"I know it," he said. "Then I fucked it up."

"I was to blame too," she said. "I pushed you away because I didn't trust you…"

"How could you trust me when I left you high and dry in senior year? And then I was always on the road?"

"It was tough," she admitted, "but knowing what I know now, I would have tried harder."

"I should have never let you go," he said, turning to face her. "Just like you asked me to that night."

She felt a little twinge in her heart, realizing he remembered exactly what she'd said that night, all those years ago.

"I miss you…" she whispered. "From the moment I let you walk out my door, I regretted letting you go."

"You know, for about a year, I kept seeing you everywhere," he said, looking into her eyes with the same intensity that always made shivers go down her spine. "It felt like I was waking up from the same bad dream, day after day. Every morning I would remember what happened, and I would want to see you or touch you so bad, but I couldn't."

"Jordan, I'm sorry…" she whispered.

"But at the same time, it was like, I finally understood… what you must have gone through, when I left that first time, and then every time after that."

She kissed him gently before he could say anything else, it just seemed wrong to do otherwise. He reciprocated eagerly, holding her face between his hands. She felt her senses heightening, each touch like an electric spark. She pulled at the buttons of his shirt, stopping only so she could touch and kiss the skin underneath. He moaned and kissed his way down her neck, between her collarbones, his hands cupping her breasts. She felt the towel fall away, the only barrier between them, as he left a trail of kisses down her body, stopping to tease each nipple and then he slowly made his way between her legs. She was wet already, and she almost cried out as his lips found her sensitive spot. It didn't take long for her to find her release, and she felt herself truly let go in a way she had never been able to before.

"I want you right now," she said, propping herself on her elbows, feeling slightly dizzy from the magnitude of the orgasm he had given her. She watched him remove the rest of his clothes as though she were in a stupor – too slowly, it seemed – and then he stopped. She realized that he was probably looking for a condom, and without any success, it seemed.

"Check my purse," she said, feeling strangely emboldened. "I probably have condoms in there."

He held up an entire strip of condoms, an amused look on his face.

"I'm a social worker," she shrugged.

"The hottest one I've ever seen… And I know from experience." He winked.

Her body was practically begging as he finally eased his way inside of her, thrusting gently at first, testing her readiness, then he began to move more forcefully inside of her. She arched herself towards him and put her arms around his neck, drawing his mouth closer to hers. It wasn't long before she could feel the waves washing over her again and she gave in, aware that he was also nearing his peak. Soon, they were sprawled out and laughing on the bed, both aware of the intensity their bodies had just shared.

"Wow," he gasped. "That was hot."

"I want you again," she said.

"Just give me a sec," he said, but she lunged for him and teased him with her mouth until he was ready again.

Unable to keep their hands off each other, they made love until sleep overcame them both.

* * *

><p>When Angela opened her eyes, it was light out and she didn't know where she was. She rolled over and her eyes fell on Jordan Catalano, sleeping beside her, and she gasped out loud. It hadn't been a dream. All the things they had done to each other came rushing back to her immediately and she felt mildly nauseous. Yes, he admitted that he still had feelings for her, as did she, but he had a girlfriend, as far as she knew. She had never intentionally taken something that wasn't hers before. The alcohol and the lack of food and sleep had been a bad mix.<p>

"What have I done?" she whispered, sitting up and swinging her feet over to the side of the bed. She couldn't shake the guilty feelings as she quickly showered and dressed, washing last night off of herself.

"Where are you going, babe?" she heard him ask sleepily as she opened the door.

"Back to the hospital. My mom called," she lied, and that piqued her guilt more.

"Wait for me, I'll go back with you," he offered, rubbing his eyes.

"No, it's fine, I should get going right away. I'll talk to you later," she said, and hastily shut the door. She all but ran to the elevator and down to the lobby, where she hailed a taxi to the hospital. She stopped to pick up coffee and muffins for herself and her parents and made her way up to Danielle's room. To her delight, Danielle was sitting up in bed, feeding herself what looked like porridge, while her parents sat in chairs beside her.

"I'm so sorry Mom and Dad," she was saying, grimacing at her unsteady hands. She had IVs in both hands. "Oh and Angela, I'm sorry too," she said, looking up as her older sister walked into the room.

"Danielle! You're up! Why on earth are you apologizing?" Angela wanted to know, distributing the coffee to her parents, who actually seemed calm in each other's presence.

"I'm sorry for freaking everyone out. I swear that I didn't try to kill myself. I am like the farthest thing from suicidal, seriously." Danielle spooned some of the food into her mouth and made a face. "This is nasty."

"Well tell us what happened, honey," Patti urged, as Angela gave her sister a blueberry muffin.

"Oh thanks Ange, so much better…" Danielle started to break the top of the muffin off. "Well, clearly I never drink, because otherwise I would've known that the antidepressant I'm on doesn't mix well with alcohol. I thought that a couple of glasses of wine wouldn't hurt – I'd just had a big test and we were just unwinding. Before I knew it, I wound up here."

"You're too young to drink," Angela chided her gently, suspecting that her little sister had had more than just a couple of drinks. Danielle rolled her eyes and smiled. "And I really hope they changed your prescription."

"They will," Patti spoke up. "It's been on hold until she starts to feel better."

"You gave us such a scare," Angela's voice shook. "I don't know if I should strangle you or hug you."

"I swear that I wasn't trying to hurt myself! I've had a lot of problems, but I don't want to die. My life is just starting to get good again!" Danielle exclaimed. "Now hug me, please!" She held out her arms and Angela squeezed her tightly, thankful that her sister and her family were here.

"Well, thank God your dad's here in Chicago," Patti said, exchanging a small smile with him.

"Well I wasn't much use," Graham admitted. "Thank your friends for bringing you to the hospital."

"I'm going to be okay, right?" Danielle asked tentatively.

"You're going to be fine, sweetheart," Patti said soothingly. "You just have a bit of aspiration pneumonia, so you're getting antibiotics until it clears up. You'll be back at school in no time."

"Good, 'cause I don't want to fall behind even more and be like twenty-five when I graduate or something." Angela didn't know if it was Brian Krakow's early influence, but Danielle was an aspiring Chemistry major at Northwestern. Angela was glad that she'd been able to talk her into graduating from high school – university so far was mostly looking like a positive experience for her, aside from the setback in freshman year that cost her the semester.

The Chases spent the morning chatting excitedly, and for a while it almost felt like old times, before the divorce. Angela knew it was just that everyone was so relieved that Danielle was going to get better, then they would go back to their busy lives again.

"What the – are you guys back together or something?" Danielle asked, looking towards the doorway.

All eyes turned to the door, where Jordan Catalano leaned as only he could.

"No," Angela said flatly.

"Jordan, hello," Patti greeted him.

"Hi everyone." He looked at them all, but his eyes rested on Angela. "Danielle, I'm glad that you're feeling better. Um, do you mind if I steal Angela for a minute?"

"I'll be right back," Angela said, excusing herself into the hallway with him.

"Oh my god, what is he doing here?" she could hear Danielle asking as she left the room. "Total high school flashback."

"What's up?" she asked when they were in the hallway, crossing her arms.

"You left like a bat out of hell this morning. What's up with that?" he asked.

"Nothing." She averted his eyes.

"I don't believe you."

"I don't feel like talking about it here," she said, turning her head sideways.

"Angela, what the hell? I thought last night meant something to you."

"Will you keep your voice down? My family is like, right there," she snapped, looking at him again.

"I don't get you," he said, frustrated. "I thought we had something... real."

"What about your girlfriend?" Angela blurted out. "Don't you have something real with her?"

"My girlfriend?"

"You know, the tall blonde you brought to Sharon and Shane's engagement?"

"That's what this is about?"

"Look, I have never aspired to be a home-wrecker and I wasn't intending to start now-"

"Angela, I don't have a girlfriend," Jordan said firmly. "I told her that things weren't going to work out between us."

"That was like, not even two weeks ago," Angela said disbelievingly.

"As soon as I saw you, I knew it was over between Morgan – that's her name - and me. I had to try with you again. Not that things were serious between us to begin with – Morgan and me, I mean."

"Did you bring her to try and make me jealous?" Angela asked.

Jordan shrugged. "Maybe subconsciously… I was like… destroyed when you and I broke up the last time. I was nervous about running into you again. So I'm sorry that I wasn't more upfront about this whole thing."

"I was totally jealous seeing you with someone else. She's a knockout," Angela admitted.

Jordan reached over and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear: "She's not you."

Epilogue

She crossed to the little hallway table where she had tossed her mail so carelessly just a few days ago and looked through the pile. There it was, the note he had sent but in her haste to get to Chicago, she was only now seeing it for the first time:

_Dear Angela,_

_I can't stop thinking about you. Will you please call me so we can at least talk? _

_Forever yours,_

_Jordan Catalano. _

**So this was it... my big labour of love. I wanted to leave it cautiously optimistic. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to life. Finishing this fic makes me sad because it feels like the end of something, even though I am still dying to write and I feel there are still so many stories to tell, especially of the years in between and maybe the future. I hope that you were also able to see that the title alludes not only to Angela and Jordan but to the many things that all of the characters had and eventually lost or were permanently altered, including their relationships with each other and different aspects of the world around them - even material objects. I wanted to show that life changes people and takes them to places they never expected, but that there can still be grace and that is all part of the human condition. Thank you for your support! **_  
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